Eldaveo's Blog.

Friday, 31 July 2009

10 More Reasons You Should Not Hire Me

This is another 10 Reasons why I should not be hired by an employer.

My Blackmailing Skills.
If hired, I would have an affair with the Boss.When they call time on the affair I will black mail them into giving me a higher position.

My New Letterheads.
I will photocopy areas of myself best left unseen. I will then used this as my new letterheads which I will send out to everyone.

My Respect For My Boss.
I will call everyone higher then me as “Bubblecakes” male or female, am not sexist.

My Contributions.
Any contributions am asked to make will always be 2 dead bees, a flying monkey and a pint of blood. Be this for a leaving present or a group disscussion.

My Interaction With Other People.
I will see them as my playthings for I am lord and master of this place you call Earth.

My Work
In every project I work on, somewhere I will place a very small picture of a Gummi Bear

My Dress Sense
If you were to ever have dress down Friday. I would come in naked expect for a bow tie and a smile.

My Fears.
I will remind you every time you send an e-mail that Skynet has logged it and will use it against you when it enslaves humanity.

My Slide Into Madness.
Remeber the boat scene from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. That is what the slide is expect it’s 50 ft and attachs to fire escapes and is 100% non toxic.

My Friend
If a deadline is looming and I haven’t done something, Its because my friend was suppose to do it for me. His name is Harvey he’s a 6ft white rabbit.

10 Reasons Why You Should Not Hire Me.

I applyed for a job as a rail travel consult. Which is basicly booking train tickets for rich people to travel first class who are too lazy to use the internet. Which was my entire application and my cv thrown in there for good measure.
I recevied the quickest rejection letter in the history of my job seeking histroy. With the letter citing 5 reasons why I was not going to be asked for an interview. The main big one being

" You don't have full understanding of a computer system used to book train tickets "

I do its called the network rail site, I type in where am going where I want to get to. I've used it to get to Wales, to get to London, planned a trip to Long Eaton. It's not that hard. Not to be dishearted by this and amused by the childish feel of the letter I wrote my own list of 10 reasons why I should not be employed by anyone.

Reason 1:

My Own Safety.
20 % of the Skelmersdale work force is unemployed. That is 2,000 people who would be infuriated if I was hired.

Reason 2:
My Collection.
You will be adding to my collection of rejection letters. It is less embarrassing then a stamp collection.

Reason 3:
My Pets.
Employment will hamper the creation of the Blue Flying Monkeys. Wings of an Eagle, body of a Gorilla and the physics of a Bumble Bee.

My Caffine Addiction.
My blood is 50% coffee. Hiring me will double what you spend on coffee.

Reason 5:
My True Love.
I am in love with my JSA advisor. Everytime I go in and she looks at me with that contempt and pity in her eyes it sends tingles down my spine. Would you really rob me of that ?

Reason 6:
My Tan.
When the sun shines down and you wish you where in a beer garden. I am. I am sat there spending your tax money on Salt and Vinegar crisps and working on my tan.

Reason 7:
My Career as a Ninja.
When unemployed for a certain time, I will sent on a Job Centre retraining course to aid me for employment. I am hoping they train me as a ninja.

Reason 8:
My Interests.
Jeremy Kyle and This Morning, a human circus follwed by a light topical news show. What better way is there to start ones day.

Reason 9:
My Family.
My family love seeing me each day as I do them.

Reason 10 :
My Hobby.
Not working means I can stalk Megan Fox via the internet all day.

Wednesday, 8 July 2009